Words Matter: Choosing Kindness in a Digital World

 

It’s disheartening when reading replies to some posts on social media.  Someone posted a reply regarding Starbucks (not here, but another Facebook page) saying they’ve never been there before.  Someone else said, “Who cares?  They didn’t ask if you’re been there before.  Why would you waste your time posting this?”

I think the real question is, “why am I wasting MY time reading this?”  It’s YOUR time that YOU are wasting.  It was your choice to read it and respond and how you respond is your own choice and responsibility.  An author has a reason for posting what they post.  If they’re happy posting it, they’re not wasting their time.  Maybe they just wanted to contribute and share and there were no rules on how to reply.  I appreciate people's feelings about their right to speak and say what they like but there are those who don't always choose their words carefully and realize how it makes people feel.  It's difficult to care more about people we don't know and how they feel but just because it's a right to say what we like doesn't mean we should say them.  Our words have consequences on real people and even the real world.  Guess what?  The real world affects you!  

Whatever you’re reading on social media, it doesn’t mean you have to care but it also doesn’t mean you have to be rude or inconsiderate.  Whether it’s face-to-face or online through a screen, the people you read comments from are real, no matter how fake social media may seem.

If you find a post or reply that annoys you but isn’t breaking any rules, the best thing to do is to just keep scrolling and move on.  I know there are many inconsiderate people and that’s very unfortunate but our behaviors and attitudes do affect us more than you can imagine.  If we were more considerate and kind to others, more people would be the same for us and the rest of our day can be more positive and peaceful.  What comes around, goes around.  I know all this seems cliched but I think it’s worth repeating over and over again until we see changes.  We appear to be progressing but we’re not quite there yet!  Maybe we’re not supposed to be there yet?  Maybe we’re destined to keep doing this for the rest of our lives so younger generations can learn from us?  In reality, this could go on forever but we have a choice: let this last forever or finally be the change?  Don’t wait for change.  Be the change. 

We are taught the way we behave to an extent.  It’s past time to teach our children and everyone of all ages about kindness and it’s really sad that in 2025 and in the world of social media, we still have to do this.  Empathy, kindness and consideration is both innate and taught in some degrees.  A young child may be selfish because he wants all the toys to himself and not share them with his younger sibling.  So he has to be taught to share even though since birth, he’s had the capacity to be kind.

When it comes to social media, people knows we’re talking to total strangers and that’s very unfortunate we’re talking through screens.  So we just say, “who cares what I learned from my parents?  People can’t see me, I can just say whatever I want!” and we start treating Facebook like a wild playground with absolutely no repercussions because there is clearly no one around making any rules how to treat others!  

Regardless of whether you got a screen in front of you, think about your comments.  Are you being kind?  Is it necessary?  Is it beneficial?  Whose time is really being wasted?  Theirs…. or yours?

Respecting Neurodiversity: Valuing The Unique Abilities Of People With Disabilities

The word, "Neurodiversity" isn't in our everyday vocabulary, is it?  I don't hear it so often but once I knew what it meant, it probably became one of my favorite words recently.  Neurodiversity is the viewpoint or perception that our ways of thinking are normal, not strange, unusual or a subject of irregularity.  We all think differently about things, people and different topics in life.  Yet, we hear each other saying what they think and we think that they're wrong or they're doing something wrong or we think our opinions are better than others.  We think we know better than others.  We think we know what others need or want.  In life, we think there's always a right or wrong answer.  

When it comes to having a disability, it's so easy for people to think they know what people with disabilities want or need so they decide for us what it is.  They think they know what we're capable of and not capable of.  They think they know what we're thinking and what we're feeling.  They believe they got it all figured out!  People see us sitting down in wheelchairs, using sign language, using a cane while walking or having difficulties with picking up a spoon while eating. Suddenly, we're invalids.  Then people see a person in a wheelchair going up a hill or putting their wheelchair in the backseat of the car and say, "Whoops!  Somebody in a wheelchair needs help.  Gotta go!" then run over and start helping them but without permission from the person who is in the wheelchair.  That person "helping" thinks the person with the wheelchair is so incompetent that they don't have the ability to do things on their own, not even ask for help.  So they think they need to go over there and start helping.  

People with disabilities do not need help with everything and may not need as much help as we think.  When someone sees a person with a disability, people think it's their jobs to help or do things for them, speak up for them or tell them something that's very obvious (you just finished frying eggs and then say, "be careful around the stove, it's still hot."  Well, duh!  Like we don't know stoves are hot for a while after being used recently like we all learned in Kindergarten!).  

I have multiple disabilities and I experience this a lot.  I get told the obvious things a lot as if I'm blind (I'm not) or incompetent (not that, either!).  Because of stereotypes and because some people don't have disabilities, some of those who live without disabilities do not understand that those who live with a disability think as themselves as people and don't let their disabilities define them.  I never let mine define me.  I go on living my life, enjoying it without worrying so much about what I can't do.  I focus on what I CAN do!  Unfortunately, I've been confronted by people who only focus on what I can't do and that I can't think, rather than what I can do and that I have the ability to think and process information.

This happens because of stereotypes or comments about people with disabilities and people believe them.  Read up on the other part of this blog debunking 10 stereotypes and misconceptions about individuals with various disabilities.

Challenging Stereotypes and Embracing Neurodiversity

Click on photo to enlarge and read the captions.

Instead of embracing stereotypes, embrace neurodiversity.  People with and without disabilities aren't always going to do what you expected and that's ok!  Because of the stereotypes about people with disabilities, some people assume they know how their minds work and they believe they know what people with disabilities need or want and they think they know better.

So they go ahead and push a person in a wheelchair up the ramp because they believe people in wheelchairs are weak and don't know how to ask for help or didn't think to, they shout at deaf people because they believe deaf people will hear them and not be annoyed by the yelling and they point out the most obvious thing or direct them to do things to people with learning disabilities because they believe people with learning or intellectual disabilities are stupid, slow or confused.  

While it may be true that people with learning or intellectual disabilities process information differently, it doesn't mean they're incompetent because they're doing something unexpected or they weren't doing what was expected.  For example, when I'm out in public with people and I happen to be looking at something interesting while everyone else is ready to move on, I get singled out and told "come on, let's go" when there is someone else in the group who have done the same thing but didn't get told to get a move on.  It's like they think I'm not paying attention to the rest of the group or my surroundings or I'm not allowed to take an extra minute to appreciate something that interests me or just take my time.  

Thanks to the stereotypes, people think if someone like me make mistakes, do something risky or do or say something unexpected, it's automatically because of our disability.  So someone will feel the need to correct or "fix" them or even help them without permission.  We're not broken!  People with disabilities, whether they're deaf, blind, in wheelchairs or mentally challenged, are not broken people that require correction or being fixed.  Being a person with a disability just means they're different and they do things differently and that's not a bad thing.  People could learn something new from people like me like empathy, patient, keeping an open mind and letting go of control over how people act or think.

Celebrating Neurodiversity!

Neurodiversity is all about people thinking differently from each other without being accused of having a defect or disorder.  It's about letting go of control over how people act or behave and just worrying about how you react to those who think or act differently from you.  It's also about letting go of societal norms.  The world is changing all the time and many people have difficulties adjusting to the change, trying to hold onto the societal norms, even stereotypes because so many people don't know how to respond to something that's so different to them.  

While neurodiversity focuses primarily on neurological differences and addresses those with autism and ADHD and mental conditions, for example, neurodiversity can be applied to other aspects of diversity like minority groups and certain communities such as people with non-cognitive disabilities, black people, the LGBTQ community and socioeconomic individuals.  

Because we all come from different backgrounds, cultures and have various beliefs and values and even different brains and bodies, we all think differently and that's ok!  It's ok to not have the same beliefs, opinions or values.  That's the beauty of cultivating compassion and empathy!  We don't have to agree on the same things and we can just drop our egos and agree to disagree in order to be more civil and compassionate with others.  We can even learn from each other and ask  how we make our own choices instead of making assumptions.  By making assumptions, you're closing the doors to learning something new, forming new beliefs and relationships that may be beneficial for you.  

By learning about others and their actions, we become more empathic, patient, non-judgmental and loving to others.  Eventually, we'll live happier lives without barriers.  No more of others telling us what to do, what to say, how to do something, we become more educated when we communicate with each other and learn why we do what we do, have more access to other communities, workplaces, education and healthcare and we have less misunderstanding, misjudgments, inequality, tension and social conflicts with our loved ones, peers, colleagues and everyone else in all our communities.  

Note: This is an important blog and I thank everyone for reading.  Please let me know what you think in the comment section and if you liked this blog or it resonates with you, please feel free to share and comment!

Debunking 10 Stereotypes and Misconceptions About People With Disabilities

Smash Those Stereotypes!

This is part of an original blog, "Respecting Neurodiversity: Valuing The Unique Abilities Of People With Disabilities".

1.  "People in wheelchairs always need help with things and need others to think or do things for them."

Yes, I might need help with things but it's not okay to assume I always need help.  Ask me first if I need help.  If I say, "no, thank you," respect that and walk away, even if it looks like I need help or someone else tells you I need help.  I'm the only person who knows what I'm capable of as I'm the only person holding my brain in my head and I'm the only person who has access to the information that my brain is giving me.  We can't read each other's minds.  I do not want others to think or do things for me or assume that I'm not capable of thinking or doing more things than you think.  That's pretty insulting and it undermines my capabilities as a person with a disability.  

In college, I would carry my trays in the cafeteria, which I'm capable of doing on my own.  The workers saw me, assumed I needed help and would start taking my tray over to a table without my permission.  I'd keep saying, "no, thank you" and explain I'm capable of carrying my own trays.  I kept doing this to different workers and I finally got fed up and complained to the manager.  The manager caught a worker trying to help again and the manager told him to stop.  The worker just argued, "but she can't push herself while carrying the tray!"  He wasn't keeping an open mind by seeing that it is possible and he assumed I was incapable of asking for help.  By the way, I'm happy to report that I never dropped a tray once!    

It's great that you want to help people and be polite.  It's ok to open doors for people or pick something up for someone when they drop it.  It's just not okay to assume people can't do certain things because of their disabilities or assume they're incapable of seeking assistance.  People with disabilities deserve respect and dignity and to be treated like you.  Treat them like you want to be treated.

2.  "Wow! I didn't know a person in a wheelchair could push themselves around all day, they must have strong arms!"

My arms are like anyone's legs that can move and walk themselves.  Do you tell someone you're impressed when you see them walking around with their legs all day as if seeing them walk around is new?  So next time you want to tell me how impressed you are for pushing around in my chair all day, stop yourself and just change the subject or don't say anything. 

3.  "People with disabilities need/want pity and are non-sexual, incapable of any loving relationships."

I actually pity those who think I need or want pity.  People with disabilities do many things most people do but differently.  Even people without disabilities do things differently!  We don't need or want your pity.

If you find a person with a disability who is still a virgin or isn't in a relationship, it's very likely it was their choice, not because they're incapable of having a loving relationship.  There are well-known people with disabilities who have married and/or have children.  Blind singer Stevie Wonder has been married 3 times and have 9 kids.  Sylvester Stallone has a speech impediment but he also married 3 times and fathered 5 children.  Tom Cruise has dyslexia but married 3 times and has 3 children.  Deaf actress Marlee Matlin has been married for about 30 years and has 4 children.

4.  "People who are disabled are weak and sick and need us to protect them from everything."

People with disabilities are often perceived as weak or in constant need of protection.  With health issues we face, many lead fulfilling lives like living with families and spending time with people, working, driving and studying independently.  The misconception that we require excessive protection can undermine our autonomy.

Respecting individuals with disabilities means acknowledging their choices and allowing them the freedom to make informed decisions, even if they may be poor decisions.  Like anyone else, we have the right to make mistakes and learn from them, unless we're medically or legally declared incompetent.  It's unfair to treat us differently in this regard.  Treating us differently like this just takes away our independence, freedom, choices, autonomy and humanness.  That's more than enough for us as the world already does this with discrimination and inequality.

Excessive protection, even if well-intended, can lead to resentment, estrangement and hinder healthy dynamics between families and other loved ones.  Practicing self-control and respecting our autonomy is crucial.  Instead of making assumptions, try to understand the reasons behind our choices.  Embrace neurodiversity!

Everyone makes mistakes and even people with disabilities are allowed that.  The only exception is if they're declared incompetent.  It is imperative to kind in mind that a disability does not define a person's competence or ability to learn from their mistakes.  Making mistakes is a normal part of life and learning and it applies to every human being, regardless of their abilities and disabilities.  People with and without disabilities need to make mistakes in order to learn from them.  Rather than overprotect, foster an environment with open communication and understanding.  Encourage civilized conversations and find common ground for decision-making.  Nobody is perfect, and empathy does go a long way.

Kind in mind that people without disabilities also make poor decisions like eating nothing but junk, overspending on entertainment and luxuries, speeding over the limit on the road and smoking three packs of cigarettes a day and they're allowed as well.  When was the last time you went through a few months without making mistakes or making poor decisions?  Before judging anyone, ask yourself if you're perfect.

5.  "People with disabilities cannot work."

Because of the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990, people cannot be discriminated from working because of a disability.  Employers are required by law to make reasonable accommodations so that a person with a disability is able to work.  If an employee is able to work with those accommodations, they can work.

6.  "Deaf people cannot drive."

I suppose this is the reason why some people think it's okay mess with their phone, the map, radio or something else while driving.  They can hear so why watch the road, right?  All they got to do is listen for someone else to blow their horns and everything's cool, right?  Wrong!  First of all, this is not to say you should not use your hearing or even depend on it when you're driving.  Everyone should use all their senses to protect themselves and that includes being on the road.  

When you lose one of your senses, your other senses are enhanced.  For example, deaf people tend to have better peripheral vision.  Deaf people obviously cannot use their ears so they must be more alert when watching the road, using their eyes.  In other words, deaf people pay more attention to the road and their surroundings visually and are less distracted when driving.  Hard to believe?  Find out here!

7.  "All deaf people need you to shout so they can hear you."

I cannot tell you how annoying this is!  First of all, no, deaf people do not need you to shout.  In fact, it is not advisable for you to raise your voice loudly at a deaf person when talking to them.  For anyone who can hear at all, you shouldn't be yelling at them because it's annoying.  I know this because while I have a hearing loss, I hear enough that I can tell when you're screaming at me and it's annoying!  If the person is profoundly deaf, it won't help and you're just straining your voice for nothing.  

When speaking to someone like me, speak clearly and not too quickly.  If I need clarification or don't understand something, I'll tell you.  Shouting won't help.  Some deaf/hard of hearing individuals can hear well but struggle with understanding what people are saying.  I can hear people's voices but I can't always understand the words, making it feel like someone is speaking in another language.  So when talking to a deaf/hard of hearing person, speak normally and clearly, avoid moving around when talking, maintain eye contact and minimize background noise.  

Oh, and a pet peeve of mine?  When I'm trying to have a conversation with someone with a sign language interpreter present and the person turns to the interpreter and says to them, "tell her...."  When you do this, you're engaging with the interpreter and not including me in the conversation.  That's just rude and insulting, just like it's rude to talk to only the person accompanying the person in a wheelchair when you're actually dealing with the person in the wheelchair.  It makes it seem like the person who is deaf or in the wheelchair is invisible and when it happens to me, I feel like you're not interested in engaging with me.

8.  "People with learning disabilities cannot learn how to drive."

Learning how to drive requires physical and mental skills, good reflexes and multitasking and the ability to drive without so much fear and anxiety.  People with learning disabilities may struggle with multitasking, focusing on the road and processing information at a quicker rate.  Quick response time is crucial while driving.  Learning disabilities vary, with some people have difficulties with reading while being great problem solvers while some other have trouble with math but do great with reading and writing.  Having a learning disability doesn't mean you're dumb or slow as a person.  It just means the brain processes information differently.  

This is why conversations with many people involved is difficult for some with learning disabilities, combined with another disability like being deaf.  Once Person A is done talking and if Person B starts talking right away, I'm still processing what Person A's point is.  This is often a struggle when it's a group of people I'm involved in.  Then there's overlapping conversations as well and it's hard to extract what one person is saying and process it when there's a lot of background noise or conversations going on.  It's like going into a very crowded place and trying to catch and keep up with one person's comments.

Fortunately, there are many ways to help improve understanding, memory and reflexes etc.. so people with learning disabilities can still learn how to drive.

9.  "People with learning disabilities need us to explain everything in minor specific details and they need us to point out everything to them like they're 5 years old."

While it's important to break down complex information for better understanding, it is not acceptable to patronize individuals with learning disabilities by treating them like children or assuming their incapability to grasp concepts.  Well-intended loved ones, guardians and peers should refrain from constantly stating the obvious ("It's gray and cloudy, think it's time to come inside as it may rain!") or explaining things as if they're addressing a child.  People with learning disabilities often possess common knowledge, just like people without learning disabilities such as a hot stove or interpreting gray, cloudy skies as potential rain.  

It's okay to warn people of danger not obvious to most people but if it's common knowledge, such a warning or pointing out conspicuous things like a hot stove or cloudy skies is really unnecessary and it can be off-putting.  By respecting them as adults (unless they're actually children) and acknowledging their abilities, individuals with learning disabilities will feel more valued and appreciated.

I personally find it condescending when someone tells me something or how to act in a way as if I'm incompetent or naive.  That is especially when I'm the only one who gets this treatment while everyone else in the room gets to do whatever they please.  I've been told what to post or not post on social media and the same with texting when no one else has because they assumed my disabilities caused me to know nothing about social etiquette, especially with netiquette in today's world and that's hurtful.  It's disheartening that people want to control what people with disabilities do because they think they can.  And to think this happens to me while almost everyone else without disabilities are still messing with their phones while at the table during mealtimes or during quality time with others.

Another situation I'd find annoying is when I'm out with a group of people and I'm taking a moment to savor something interesting to me but the rest of the group is ready to get a move on and they tell me, "come on, let's go" as if I'm not allowed to savor or I'm not paying attention to the group.  Maybe they assumed I wasn't paying attention and that may be the case but it's obviously relevant to my disability.  This would happen when another person who doesn't have a disability is also being behind but it's ok with the rest of the group for that person to savor the moment or not pay attention.  When I'm not doing something as expected, it's automatically assumed it's because I have a disability and it's quite dehumanizing.   

I might make mistakes but I'm not perfect.  Neither is anyone who doesn't have a disability.  I do wish people who treat me in such a way would look at the mirror and ask themselves, "are you perfect?" and also slow down, stop and ask themselves why they they treat me the way they do.  Would they treat me this way if I didn't have a disability?  Highly doubtful.  Because of my disabilities, some people make assumptions about me, often even before I do or say anything and that is not a good feeling at all.  

10.  "People with disabilities, regardless of what kind of disabilities, cannot live independently."

Living independently doesn't come easily for anyone but for people with any disabilities, it is a real challenge.  While most people with disabilities can't do everything a lot of people without disabilities can, living independently is possible.  When you have a disability, it does affect some of the things you're capable or not capable of doing.  There are a lot of people with disabilities who do not have jobs so they need a way to live financially.  People in wheelchairs need a way to get around town to buy groceries, get medication or money from the bank and other essentials but they don't drive.  Without the help of assistive devices, deaf people can't know when their phone is ringing or someone is at the door.  There are many services provided by the local/state government in America and independent living centers around the country that can help people with disabilities have access to public transportation, assistive technology, employment, healthcare and personal assistance. 

If you wish to refer back to the original blog, please click/tap here.

Beyond the Smile: Unraveling the Silent Pain of Mental Illnesses

 In Memory of Stephen "tWitch" Boss

Stephen "tWitch" Boss once said, "You will make decisions that might seem right at the time but then they're not.  For me, it just helps to know that it keeps going -- it does, no matter what -- even if something seems very devastating like there's some kind of force that's going to keep going and it's there for you to naturally access."

Today marked one year since Stephen "tWitch" Boss died by suicide.  If you are having thoughts of suicide or struggling with a mental illness or even feeling hopeless in general, there is help.  You can simply dial 988 (you can also text your message to 988).  There are a lot of other ways to get help if you are depressed, experiencing a crisis, have been assaulted sexually or physically, are being bullied and more.  You can call, text or chat with someone whether you are deaf/hard of hearing, LGBTQ or a teen.

When you read that quote above, it sounds like it could be said by someone who's going through some kind of difficulties.  It's true, we all make decisions and sometimes they're right, sometimes they're wrong.  That's part of life.  I suppose that's what he meant when he said "it keeps going."  Life does keep going.  Life will go on, no matter the choices you make.  It's a bit difficult to determine whether he meant this to be a positive or negative outlook when he basically said choices can be hard to face but then life goes go on, regardless of your choices.  He carries on to say ".... like there's some kind of force that's going to keep going and it's there for you to naturally access."  tWtich made it sound like he knew that things will just happen because it's "some kind of force" or something that's established by nature or some kind of phenomenon and you can't control it or stop it from happening, even if you want it to.  Some things will happen beyond our control.  Other things, we can control them if we wanted to.

Again, I don't know for sure if he meant it to be a positive or negative tone.  Although, he continued but in a manner that seemed more positive: "Sometimes, I'm faced to make a choice that is the best possible choice I can make at that given moment.  Now, will it be the perfect choice?  No.  Will it cause me to fail?  Maybe, and if so, you've got to get back up really, really quick and pick up the lesson of whatever that is and then keep it moving because that's kind of what life does."

I think it's evident that tWitch knew that life can be full of the inevitable but you have a choice.  Either go for it and wait and see if you succeed or fail or do nothing and not take any chances.  Though I have to wonder what his mood was when he said the first part.  Maybe I'm overthinking this but it sounded like a bit of despair in his words but he was trying his best to be hopeful. 

tWitch was known for being positive, no matter what life threw at him.  Whatever he had going in his life, he was positive and vibrant and worked hard as a dancer, choreographer, husband and father of three children.  He spread love to those all around him and inspired others to find joy in life with his unbridled spirit, cheerful smile and invigorating dance moves.  All tWitch wanted to do was make everyone feel good, inspire people into kindness and help people be the best they can be.  His family and friends and those around him said he was a wonderful husband and father who loved them and he loved what he was doing.  Before his death, he talked about looking forward to his projects that were underway in 2023.  Just a couple of nights before he was found dead in a motel in Enrico, California, he was dancing with his wife, Allison Holker on Instagram and his energy and love for Allison was palpable.  They had just celebrated their 9-year wedding anniversary on December 10, just 3 days before he died.  He and his family had just decorated their Christmas tree.

Where are the signs?

So what happened?  What went wrong?  tWitch seemed happy and satisfied with his family, friends, career, others in the dance world and life in general.  As far as we know, there was nothing in his demeanor leading up to his death that showed that anything was troubling him at all.  What would cause someone like Stephen "tWitch" Boss to end his life so abruptly with no signs of distress?

You've probably heard or even seen the signs in a person who is considering suicide:

• Loss of appetite/overeating
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• No longer doing things they used to enjoy
• Lack of sleep or too much sleep
• Discussions or even thoughts about death or self-harm
• Getting rid of possessions 
• Constant negative talk or thinking
• Feeling of guilt, especially of being a burden to others
• Displaying dangerous or self-destructive behaviors
• Sudden mood swings 
• Using drugs or alcohol
• Quitting their job or skipping school
  
• Trouble with school or focusing on things

So you would think it's real easy to tell if someone is considering suicide or whether the person is happy or depressed.  Someone has a great life, is always smiling and has a positive outlook on life and we think the person's fine.  In a lot of cases, that may be true.  But in a lot of other cases, that's not so.  So why would a person be smiling and acting happy if they're so unhappy and thinking about hurting themselves?  Why would they be so depressed and think about harming themselves if everything is going so well in their life?

Having a mental illness like anxiety and/or depression can be a burden on ourselves.  Many people have the misconception that people with depression or anxiety just need to snap out of it, get a hug from someone, watch a funny movie, a vacation at the beach or an outing with friends for lunch or a movie.  We all get depressed or anxious from time to time in our lives without having a mental illness.  We get into situations that make us feel this way like losing a job, breaking up with someone, having financial trouble, completing a huge project that seemed hopeless to get done in time, talking in front of a huge group of people, health problems, family problems, traumatic experiences or moving to a new location.

What if we're not going through any of those or we weren't diagnosed with a mental illness?  Then we should have no reason to be unhappy, it seems like.  It seemed liked that was the case with tWitch.  He had a great career, great family, exciting projects coming and he appeared to enjoy what he was doing and loved everyone around him.  So why was he so unhappy?  To this day, we still don't know and we may never know.  Only the person suffering, like tWitch clearly was, would know.

The Hidden Struggle of Mental Illness

Here's the trouble with some mental illnesses like depression or anxiety for some people: it's not always clear.  In many cases, we'll see the signs but in others, we won't.  Just because we always have a smile on our faces or act happy and not complain about anything doesn't necessarily mean we're fine.  In fact, it's possible that we have those smiles and act happy because we're hiding something about ourselves like how unhappy we are and how much pain we're in.  Although, it doesn't necessarily mean we're not happy, either!  Some people may be truly happy and those smiles you see are actually sincere.

So what now?  How do we know whether the person is truly unhappy and in pain?  How could we have known tWitch was unhappy?  Where were the signs?  Did his family and friends miss something?  His wife, Allison, gave an interview a while after his death and revealed there were no signs.  Couple of nights before he was found dead, he was cheerfully dancing with his wife.  He was excited about 2023 and spending time with family around their Christmas tree.  Fans began to doubt that the cause of death was suicide because tWitch was always happy and cheerful, firing up speculations like he was murdered.  However, police concluded there were no signs of foul play and the cause of death was a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.  

Just because you can't see it doesn't always mean it isn't there.  This also applies to physical illnesses like diabetes, heart diseases, autoimmune disorders and cancer.  You can't see them but they exist.  Some people are really good at hiding their struggles for several reasons:

• They may not want to admit there's a problem.
• They don't want others to know how depressed they are.
• They don't want to be a burden to others.
• They want to be strong and show people how tough they can be.  They believe others expect them to be strong and invincible and do not want to let anyone down.  It is crucial to know that it is ok to not be ok.  You do not have to be strong and put on a brave face if you're not doing ok.  If you're not doing ok, please let someone know.  It can save your life.
• They think there's no hope so why bother talking about it?
• They're ashamed to talk about it and face the problem.
• They think we're too busy with our own lives to listen.

The biggest issue with mental illnesses besides the fact that they could be deadly is that they, like depression and anxiety, are so stigmatized.  They say:

• "People who are depressed are weak."
• "People who are anxious don't know how to get a grip."
• "If someone has a mental illness, it's their own fault."
• "You're just having a bad day.  Go outside and you'll feel better."
• "It's not that big of a deal, your mind's just playing tricks on you."
• "But he looked so happy, had money, a great career, had a wonderful family and a lot of friends.  There's no way someone like that could be so unhappy."

It's attitudes like these that make it hard for people to open up about their struggles.  It makes them more shameful to open up more because of society's general expectations of people who are struggling.  Those expectations would cause people to have the wrong attitudes about those people who struggle with mental illnesses like depression and anxiety.  It's hard to trust people when all they do is believe statements like those above.  They get told they're doing great and look happy then suddenly, they might feel trapped because they think they have to prove to everyone that they are indeed content with everything.

Here's the truth: No one is happy all the time.  Everyone has their own struggles and challenges in the present and the past, even if you don't see them.  tWitch revealed in his suicide note that he had past challenges (details were never revealed what they were).  Because someone is smiling all the time and doing well doesn't mean they've never struggled in their lives.  We just don't always talk about them.  We don't like to face our past mistakes and challenges, certainly not in public.  We don't like to get up and say, "I'm unhappy, help me," especially when everyone think we look happy and seem to have it all like fortune, happy and healthy children and a terrific career.  

Unveiling The Mask

My take is this: He had a great career, future, family, friends and a huge dance community who loved him.  However, it was clear he knew something we didn't.  There was something out there that was not making him happy and only he knew what it was, not us.  It may have been something he was ashamed to talk about, even with his own wife.  It may have had something to do with his past and before he died, it was coming back to haunt him for some reason.  Whatever it was, he didn't want to burden anyone with it, not even his own family.  Whatever it was, it was probably not severe but in his mind, it was and it was bad enough for him to take his own life.  tWitch wanted nothing but to spread love and kindness and enjoy his life with loved ones, make everyone happy and keep dancing.  He may have felt the high pressure and didn't know how to handle it and because everyone's perception of him was so positive, he didn't want to admit that part of him was weak.  It is possible the clues may be in his suicide note in order to shed some light but his full note was never disclosed. 

So what now?  Where to go from here if someone appears to be happy about everything and how to prevent suicides like this one again?  After tWitch died, fans said that we need to be checking in on each other, even those who seem happy.  While that seems like a brilliant idea, I'm not sure that's going to be enough.  You could ask someone, "how are you doing?" and the person might say, "fine."  I bet too many people say they're fine even though they're not.  "Fine" seem like an easy and quick answer to give to someone who asks how we're doing because we don't want to take the time to explain why're not really fine or maybe we're really "fine" but not terrific and we don't feel like going into details about our lives.

If someone asks you how you're doing and you're really doing fine, then that's terrific!  Go with that answer then.  But "fine" seem like a really quick answer without letting us know how the person is really feeling in general, how they're doing in their lives and what they're thinking.  "Fine" might mean, 

• "Oh, I lost my job but I'm sure I'll find another one soon."
• "Just got divorced last month but life will go on.  I still have my kids and my job!"
• "I'm tired from working so much and still need to catch up on some sleep but I'll manage."
• "My daughter got sick with the flu and I had to stay home from work to care for her but I'll catch up when I get back to work on Monday."
• "I have too much on my plate but there's nothing anyone else can do.  It'll be fine."

Ok, what's wrong with those statements?  At the beginning, someone's complaining then they say something positive like, "that's ok, I still have my job" or "it'll be fine, I can manage."  It's great that people have such positive attitudes but it doesn't take away that those everyday situations are stressful.  Everything eventually begin to build up until it becomes too much, leading to anxiety or depression if the person doesn't cope very well.  So people will say "fine" when they're unhappy or stressed because they believe at the end, everything will work out "fine."  They might say "fine" because they don't have the energy to talk about what's bothering them or because they don't want to burden anyone.  Some people might give highlights of their day or little details but not enough to give us an idea of the person's mood or ways of thinking.

So..... when someone's saying, "fine" and then saying something slightly negative like, "at least I have my health," "it'll work out someday" or even "it's been rough but I'm going to be fine," take heed.  That latter statement is probably the most dangerous one to say because it could mean the person knows how they they're going to be fine after they have some kind of plan to finally reduce or end their pain and that plan just may not be a good one for the rest of us!  

Creating Deeper Connections: Listening With Empathy & Understanding

When it comes to connecting with others, we need to connect more than just "how are you doing?"  It's a simple question that may not elicit a full answer or give us concrete idea of the person's state of mind.  If they say, "fine" or "good," it's time to dig deeper!  Get to know the person's real mood, their state of mind and what they've been up to in general and practice active listening.  If they don't give full answers, that's ok.  Don't push them too hard!  People need to process their own feelings and thoughts on their own time.  Some will give more, some will give less.  Just allow them time and let them know you care and that you're available and you won't judge them (really, don't judge them!  Do make the time to make them feel like you're available and present).  Whatever they have to say, listen and:

• Be active in listening.  Make sure you understand what they're saying, don't interrupt at any time and don't get distracted when they're talking like watching TV or looking at your phone or the time.
• Believe what they say.  Maybe some people will overexaggerate or overdramatize but even if they do, they still need you to listen.  
• Don't downplay their feelings, even if you don't understand or resonate with them.  They need empathy, not criticism or judgement.
• Help them the best you can.  If you don't know how to help or if you're not sure you're able to, direct them to the right person or place that may be of better assistance.
• Make sure you find time to listen to them and show that you're there and you care.  Don't roll your eyes and think, "Oh, I don't have time for this."  This is about them, not you.
• Be honest (but not too honest!)

People with mental illnesses need to be heard, despite those stigmas we see all the time.  They need better mental healthcare.  But whatever needs to be done, we need to do it with an open mind, open heart, time with others and without judgement.  Stop the fear of mental illnesses by understanding or empathizing with people who are struggling and being more open to discussing mental illnesses with others.  More discussions and awareness could be utilized to combat mental illnesses.  You may not have depression or anxiety but they still need our understanding.  When people are diabetic or have cancer, they need treatments.  Having a mental illness is no exception. 

We'll never know for sure what they were thinking but the lives of tWitch and others who are struggling or did struggle need to be remembered if we're going to save more lives and conquer the problem of our mental health system and end the silence pain of mental illnesses.