Beyond the Smile: Unraveling the Silent Pain of Mental Illnesses

 In Memory of Stephen "tWitch" Boss

Stephen "tWitch" Boss once said, "You will make decisions that might seem right at the time but then they're not.  For me, it just helps to know that it keeps going -- it does, no matter what -- even if something seems very devastating like there's some kind of force that's going to keep going and it's there for you to naturally access."

Today marked one year since Stephen "tWitch" Boss died by suicide.  If you are having thoughts of suicide or struggling with a mental illness or even feeling hopeless in general, there is help.  You can simply dial 988 (you can also text your message to 988).  There are a lot of other ways to get help if you are depressed, experiencing a crisis, have been assaulted sexually or physically, are being bullied and more.  You can call, text or chat with someone whether you are deaf/hard of hearing, LGBTQ or a teen.

When you read that quote above, it sounds like it could be said by someone who's going through some kind of difficulties.  It's true, we all make decisions and sometimes they're right, sometimes they're wrong.  That's part of life.  I suppose that's what he meant when he said "it keeps going."  Life does keep going.  Life will go on, no matter the choices you make.  It's a bit difficult to determine whether he meant this to be a positive or negative outlook when he basically said choices can be hard to face but then life goes go on, regardless of your choices.  He carries on to say ".... like there's some kind of force that's going to keep going and it's there for you to naturally access."  tWtich made it sound like he knew that things will just happen because it's "some kind of force" or something that's established by nature or some kind of phenomenon and you can't control it or stop it from happening, even if you want it to.  Some things will happen beyond our control.  Other things, we can control them if we wanted to.

Again, I don't know for sure if he meant it to be a positive or negative tone.  Although, he continued but in a manner that seemed more positive: "Sometimes, I'm faced to make a choice that is the best possible choice I can make at that given moment.  Now, will it be the perfect choice?  No.  Will it cause me to fail?  Maybe, and if so, you've got to get back up really, really quick and pick up the lesson of whatever that is and then keep it moving because that's kind of what life does."

I think it's evident that tWitch knew that life can be full of the inevitable but you have a choice.  Either go for it and wait and see if you succeed or fail or do nothing and not take any chances.  Though I have to wonder what his mood was when he said the first part.  Maybe I'm overthinking this but it sounded like a bit of despair in his words but he was trying his best to be hopeful. 

tWitch was known for being positive, no matter what life threw at him.  Whatever he had going in his life, he was positive and vibrant and worked hard as a dancer, choreographer, husband and father of three children.  He spread love to those all around him and inspired others to find joy in life with his unbridled spirit, cheerful smile and invigorating dance moves.  All tWitch wanted to do was make everyone feel good, inspire people into kindness and help people be the best they can be.  His family and friends and those around him said he was a wonderful husband and father who loved them and he loved what he was doing.  Before his death, he talked about looking forward to his projects that were underway in 2023.  Just a couple of nights before he was found dead in a motel in Enrico, California, he was dancing with his wife, Allison Holker on Instagram and his energy and love for Allison was palpable.  They had just celebrated their 9-year wedding anniversary on December 10, just 3 days before he died.  He and his family had just decorated their Christmas tree.

Where are the signs?

So what happened?  What went wrong?  tWitch seemed happy and satisfied with his family, friends, career, others in the dance world and life in general.  As far as we know, there was nothing in his demeanor leading up to his death that showed that anything was troubling him at all.  What would cause someone like Stephen "tWitch" Boss to end his life so abruptly with no signs of distress?

You've probably heard or even seen the signs in a person who is considering suicide:

• Loss of appetite/overeating
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• No longer doing things they used to enjoy
• Lack of sleep or too much sleep
• Discussions or even thoughts about death or self-harm
• Getting rid of possessions 
• Constant negative talk or thinking
• Feeling of guilt, especially of being a burden to others
• Displaying dangerous or self-destructive behaviors
• Sudden mood swings 
• Using drugs or alcohol
• Quitting their job or skipping school
  
• Trouble with school or focusing on things

So you would think it's real easy to tell if someone is considering suicide or whether the person is happy or depressed.  Someone has a great life, is always smiling and has a positive outlook on life and we think the person's fine.  In a lot of cases, that may be true.  But in a lot of other cases, that's not so.  So why would a person be smiling and acting happy if they're so unhappy and thinking about hurting themselves?  Why would they be so depressed and think about harming themselves if everything is going so well in their life?

Having a mental illness like anxiety and/or depression can be a burden on ourselves.  Many people have the misconception that people with depression or anxiety just need to snap out of it, get a hug from someone, watch a funny movie, a vacation at the beach or an outing with friends for lunch or a movie.  We all get depressed or anxious from time to time in our lives without having a mental illness.  We get into situations that make us feel this way like losing a job, breaking up with someone, having financial trouble, completing a huge project that seemed hopeless to get done in time, talking in front of a huge group of people, health problems, family problems, traumatic experiences or moving to a new location.

What if we're not going through any of those or we weren't diagnosed with a mental illness?  Then we should have no reason to be unhappy, it seems like.  It seemed liked that was the case with tWitch.  He had a great career, great family, exciting projects coming and he appeared to enjoy what he was doing and loved everyone around him.  So why was he so unhappy?  To this day, we still don't know and we may never know.  Only the person suffering, like tWitch clearly was, would know.

The Hidden Struggle of Mental Illness

Here's the trouble with some mental illnesses like depression or anxiety for some people: it's not always clear.  In many cases, we'll see the signs but in others, we won't.  Just because we always have a smile on our faces or act happy and not complain about anything doesn't necessarily mean we're fine.  In fact, it's possible that we have those smiles and act happy because we're hiding something about ourselves like how unhappy we are and how much pain we're in.  Although, it doesn't necessarily mean we're not happy, either!  Some people may be truly happy and those smiles you see are actually sincere.

So what now?  How do we know whether the person is truly unhappy and in pain?  How could we have known tWitch was unhappy?  Where were the signs?  Did his family and friends miss something?  His wife, Allison, gave an interview a while after his death and revealed there were no signs.  Couple of nights before he was found dead, he was cheerfully dancing with his wife.  He was excited about 2023 and spending time with family around their Christmas tree.  Fans began to doubt that the cause of death was suicide because tWitch was always happy and cheerful, firing up speculations like he was murdered.  However, police concluded there were no signs of foul play and the cause of death was a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.  

Just because you can't see it doesn't always mean it isn't there.  This also applies to physical illnesses like diabetes, heart diseases, autoimmune disorders and cancer.  You can't see them but they exist.  Some people are really good at hiding their struggles for several reasons:

• They may not want to admit there's a problem.
• They don't want others to know how depressed they are.
• They don't want to be a burden to others.
• They want to be strong and show people how tough they can be.  They believe others expect them to be strong and invincible and do not want to let anyone down.  It is crucial to know that it is ok to not be ok.  You do not have to be strong and put on a brave face if you're not doing ok.  If you're not doing ok, please let someone know.  It can save your life.
• They think there's no hope so why bother talking about it?
• They're ashamed to talk about it and face the problem.
• They think we're too busy with our own lives to listen.

The biggest issue with mental illnesses besides the fact that they could be deadly is that they, like depression and anxiety, are so stigmatized.  They say:

• "People who are depressed are weak."
• "People who are anxious don't know how to get a grip."
• "If someone has a mental illness, it's their own fault."
• "You're just having a bad day.  Go outside and you'll feel better."
• "It's not that big of a deal, your mind's just playing tricks on you."
• "But he looked so happy, had money, a great career, had a wonderful family and a lot of friends.  There's no way someone like that could be so unhappy."

It's attitudes like these that make it hard for people to open up about their struggles.  It makes them more shameful to open up more because of society's general expectations of people who are struggling.  Those expectations would cause people to have the wrong attitudes about those people who struggle with mental illnesses like depression and anxiety.  It's hard to trust people when all they do is believe statements like those above.  They get told they're doing great and look happy then suddenly, they might feel trapped because they think they have to prove to everyone that they are indeed content with everything.

Here's the truth: No one is happy all the time.  Everyone has their own struggles and challenges in the present and the past, even if you don't see them.  tWitch revealed in his suicide note that he had past challenges (details were never revealed what they were).  Because someone is smiling all the time and doing well doesn't mean they've never struggled in their lives.  We just don't always talk about them.  We don't like to face our past mistakes and challenges, certainly not in public.  We don't like to get up and say, "I'm unhappy, help me," especially when everyone think we look happy and seem to have it all like fortune, happy and healthy children and a terrific career.  

Unveiling The Mask

My take is this: He had a great career, future, family, friends and a huge dance community who loved him.  However, it was clear he knew something we didn't.  There was something out there that was not making him happy and only he knew what it was, not us.  It may have been something he was ashamed to talk about, even with his own wife.  It may have had something to do with his past and before he died, it was coming back to haunt him for some reason.  Whatever it was, he didn't want to burden anyone with it, not even his own family.  Whatever it was, it was probably not severe but in his mind, it was and it was bad enough for him to take his own life.  tWitch wanted nothing but to spread love and kindness and enjoy his life with loved ones, make everyone happy and keep dancing.  He may have felt the high pressure and didn't know how to handle it and because everyone's perception of him was so positive, he didn't want to admit that part of him was weak.  It is possible the clues may be in his suicide note in order to shed some light but his full note was never disclosed. 

So what now?  Where to go from here if someone appears to be happy about everything and how to prevent suicides like this one again?  After tWitch died, fans said that we need to be checking in on each other, even those who seem happy.  While that seems like a brilliant idea, I'm not sure that's going to be enough.  You could ask someone, "how are you doing?" and the person might say, "fine."  I bet too many people say they're fine even though they're not.  "Fine" seem like an easy and quick answer to give to someone who asks how we're doing because we don't want to take the time to explain why're not really fine or maybe we're really "fine" but not terrific and we don't feel like going into details about our lives.

If someone asks you how you're doing and you're really doing fine, then that's terrific!  Go with that answer then.  But "fine" seem like a really quick answer without letting us know how the person is really feeling in general, how they're doing in their lives and what they're thinking.  "Fine" might mean, 

• "Oh, I lost my job but I'm sure I'll find another one soon."
• "Just got divorced last month but life will go on.  I still have my kids and my job!"
• "I'm tired from working so much and still need to catch up on some sleep but I'll manage."
• "My daughter got sick with the flu and I had to stay home from work to care for her but I'll catch up when I get back to work on Monday."
• "I have too much on my plate but there's nothing anyone else can do.  It'll be fine."

Ok, what's wrong with those statements?  At the beginning, someone's complaining then they say something positive like, "that's ok, I still have my job" or "it'll be fine, I can manage."  It's great that people have such positive attitudes but it doesn't take away that those everyday situations are stressful.  Everything eventually begin to build up until it becomes too much, leading to anxiety or depression if the person doesn't cope very well.  So people will say "fine" when they're unhappy or stressed because they believe at the end, everything will work out "fine."  They might say "fine" because they don't have the energy to talk about what's bothering them or because they don't want to burden anyone.  Some people might give highlights of their day or little details but not enough to give us an idea of the person's mood or ways of thinking.

So..... when someone's saying, "fine" and then saying something slightly negative like, "at least I have my health," "it'll work out someday" or even "it's been rough but I'm going to be fine," take heed.  That latter statement is probably the most dangerous one to say because it could mean the person knows how they they're going to be fine after they have some kind of plan to finally reduce or end their pain and that plan just may not be a good one for the rest of us!  

Creating Deeper Connections: Listening With Empathy & Understanding

When it comes to connecting with others, we need to connect more than just "how are you doing?"  It's a simple question that may not elicit a full answer or give us concrete idea of the person's state of mind.  If they say, "fine" or "good," it's time to dig deeper!  Get to know the person's real mood, their state of mind and what they've been up to in general and practice active listening.  If they don't give full answers, that's ok.  Don't push them too hard!  People need to process their own feelings and thoughts on their own time.  Some will give more, some will give less.  Just allow them time and let them know you care and that you're available and you won't judge them (really, don't judge them!  Do make the time to make them feel like you're available and present).  Whatever they have to say, listen and:

• Be active in listening.  Make sure you understand what they're saying, don't interrupt at any time and don't get distracted when they're talking like watching TV or looking at your phone or the time.
• Believe what they say.  Maybe some people will overexaggerate or overdramatize but even if they do, they still need you to listen.  
• Don't downplay their feelings, even if you don't understand or resonate with them.  They need empathy, not criticism or judgement.
• Help them the best you can.  If you don't know how to help or if you're not sure you're able to, direct them to the right person or place that may be of better assistance.
• Make sure you find time to listen to them and show that you're there and you care.  Don't roll your eyes and think, "Oh, I don't have time for this."  This is about them, not you.
• Be honest (but not too honest!)

People with mental illnesses need to be heard, despite those stigmas we see all the time.  They need better mental healthcare.  But whatever needs to be done, we need to do it with an open mind, open heart, time with others and without judgement.  Stop the fear of mental illnesses by understanding or empathizing with people who are struggling and being more open to discussing mental illnesses with others.  More discussions and awareness could be utilized to combat mental illnesses.  You may not have depression or anxiety but they still need our understanding.  When people are diabetic or have cancer, they need treatments.  Having a mental illness is no exception. 

We'll never know for sure what they were thinking but the lives of tWitch and others who are struggling or did struggle need to be remembered if we're going to save more lives and conquer the problem of our mental health system and end the silence pain of mental illnesses.