Before You Judge or Criticize, Just Listen & Learn Something New (Or Help)!

You know what?  I love learning something new every day and anytime an opportunity arises!  I've been around on the Internet trying to find places where I can find some new facts.  If you know of a place where they publish at least one new fact on a regular basis, please drop me a comment!  

What have I learned in the last few days?  Well, did you know..... 

Abraham Lincoln created the Secret Service... on the day he was assassinated?

A dime has 118 ridges?

The string from string instruments used to be made from animal guts?  (Yuck!  Fortunately, they're made of metal now)

The moon actually have moonquakes?

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated? 

It's always enthralling to learn something new to enrich your mind and broaden your horizons.  

So why don't we do the same with people?  We just end up doing the opposite to people all the time!  We judge and criticize people and we just put them down, without listening, learning or even helping them.

"You're so lazy and slow!"

"Why do you always have to be so loud?"

"You're too clingy, you're suffocating me!"

"Stop talking so much!"

"You're so dumb! Can't you do anything right?"

"Organize your stuff like this, not like that!"

Sound familiar? Too often, we immediately criticize or judge when others annoy us, without taking a moment to pause and reflect. We're too focused on our own feelings to consider how others feel when their habits irritate us. When people react strongly to our actions or words, we often feel stressed. What emotions do we experience when we engage in annoying habits? We may feel tired, frustrated, stressed, lonely, angry, bothered, or lacking something. Sometimes, we may annoy others by being happy, excited, giddy, or amused.

So what if we're feeling happy or excited so we start running around, yelling, laughing and making a lot of noises?  Maybe we make a few silly giggles.  Suddenly, someone's annoyed about the noises and start yelling at us!  Now we're not happy anymore, are we?  We do not like it when we get snapped at or when someone throw things or slam doors because they're frustrated.  Now at that moment, the person is more concerned about how our actions have affected them instead of understanding why we're happy and sharing the joy we're feeling.  

When we're stressed, lonely, or bothered, we feel tension and may do whatever it takes to relieve it. If we're stressed, we talk fast or too much to be understood or because we're nervous! If we're unhappy, we rearrange furniture, drive too fast, turn the TV up too loud, snap at people, or change routines. If we're sad or lonely or we lack something, we cry, complain, overexaggerate, or cling to someone or something important to us. It is natural to seek stress relief.

Unfortunately, it's also human nature to respond when someone is doing something that annoys us!  Both parties involve fight for survival.  The unhappy or overly happy person "survives" by doing whatever it takes to release stress.  The person annoyed with other people's behavior is also trying to "survive" by protecting themselves from the stress caused by the excessive noise and the fatigue from having to deal with more excitement and mayhem.  It's a real battle between two emotionally polarizing people, just trying to survive for their own sanity!

It has always been my belief that everything happens for a reason and we do things like reacting for a reason.  I do believe we react to things to convey our basic needs and to survive, even if it annoys other people.  It may not even have anything to do with basic needs or survival and we may be doing it without realizing how irritating it is.  We might even make loud noises in the kitchen while cooking and we're trying to relax and watch TV.  The wife's trying to cook dinner for her family and doesn't even realize how noisy she is and how much that annoys her husband, who wants to relax and watch TV after a long day at work.

So why do we do those things that irritate others?  It may be to fulfill our basic needs, release tension, communicate our wants and desires or it may be because we've come from a different culture or family that others may not understand.  In America, people might find it annoying when others slurp their noodles.  In many Asian cultures like in Japan, this habit is accepting!  In America, it is usually acceptable to be just one or two minutes late.  But if you are in some countries like Germany, it is considered rude if you arrive somewhere at 12:02pm instead of 12pm.

For most of us, we don't know the reason for other people's behavior and because it can infuriate us sometimes, we tend to lash out and make the person feel bad, judged, criticized and not understood.  How is this helping anything?  What does this accomplish?  Only bad feelings, the person lashing out doesn't learn anything and the person being judged or criticized isn't being understood or helped.  

If someone is being lazy or moving slowly, find out why.  It could be because they're tired, unwell, unmotivated or have a disability that isn't obvious. So help them find a way to achieve their goals or you can just learn patience. Sometimes, we get frustrated because we just don't know how to help.  So learn how!

I'm always grateful when I find someone who is patient because I know they care more about my needs than their own. I'm a perfectionist and worry that I'm not getting something right so I tend to procrastinate (including my blogs. Oops!) but I persevere, learn something on the way and enjoy what I do. Life is a journey, not a race!

If someone is being slow or behind on a task, don't rush or snap at them.  Ask them if they need help or what you can do to help.  They're probably uncertain of what to do or how to get something done like finding Indonesia on the world map.  Doing a difficult task is often stressful and frustrating and not everyone has the same strengths or ways of thinking.  Don’t stress and never yell at them.  Getting agitated or arguing is a huge time-waster  and your hope for a peaceful rest of the day probably just went out the window and you feel like your whole life is ruined! If you are patient and just focused on getting it done, the other person will feel a huge sense of relief and feel good about themselves and you will, too, because you've learned how to keep your cool.

If someone is frequently changing furniture or items, making it difficult to watch TV or maintain inner peace, find out why. Consider whether they're bored or stressed and find ways to compromise or suggest solutions. Communicate with them to understand their reasons and find ways to help them feel less stressed.

If someone is clinging onto you, find out why. It may be due to loneliness, their need to communicate or maybe they just admire you! If it gets to the point where it's unhealthy, it could be psychological. People often rely on others for love and care or something may be wrong so don't ignore them (unless you're absolutely sure they're trying to cause trouble). Be grateful for their admiration and trust. It's challenging to find loyal people, but make time to listen and talk with them, especially when they're feeling distressed.

Next time you get annoyed with someone, bite your tongue, breathe and slow down. We are conditioned to act instinctively and do something that could hurt others. This leads to regret, pain, mistrust, and losing friendships or relationships. Because we're trying to survive, holding back criticism and judgment is tough. This is why we swiftly react before we need a time-out to de-escalate ourselves before we make things right with the person. Saying hurtful things in anger quickly wounds the victim until they heal, depending on the relationship and how the victim feels about forgiveness.

I do believe the best way to hold back from judgement and criticism is to just check ourselves.  Why did we do it?  Because we're angry, frustrated, afraid, hurt or tired?  Making new habits is so hard to do (believe me, I still struggle with some habits.  Hey, I'm not perfect!) so maybe try training our brains to slow down before reacting?  Make it a routine to slow down other things like walking, cooking or driving?  

I cook breakfast sometimes and it has helped me stay alert and slow down.  When I'm reading, I look up words I'm not familiar with or I forget their meanings.  I do push-up every morning in bed because it's convenient and over with.  I also learn a new fun fact, a new vocabulary word and read a bible verse or chapter.  I do all of those on a regular basis because I've trained my brain to keep doing them so they're habits I do without thinking about them.

I think the same can be said if we can keep training our minds and create a habit to not react so quickly, find a way to love and care for that person (when you care about someone, it's easier to forgive them for their flaws).  It's a lot harder to forgive someone you don't know so we tend to be nicer to our families, friends and long-time acquaintances.  However, we may react quickly to strangers for bumping into us, saying rude things, or driving too slowly, despite not knowing their history or how their day is. It's important to be kind and understanding to avoid causing unnecessary drama.

I defy anyone to tell me that showing contempt for others pays off well when they do something that bothers us.  While it's important to be assertive, it should be done cautiously and without hurting others or destroying their confidence. Show empathy for others, learn from them, and help them improve. Both sides will experience more peace in body and mind, learn something new, and as we spread the message, we become more at ease. No one gets hurts!